And here we thought the fight was going to be between Blake and literally any other guy on the beach. But this is paradise where three episodes of Blake/Hannah G. drama can be overturned in an instant by the presence of newcomers and new troublemakers.
And then there’s new pop-up relationships. Six-Timer Chris had given his rose to Kristina and Wills gave his to Katie. Then out of literally nowhere, Six-Timer Chris and Katie are a thing? When did that happen? Also Big Lovable Mike had a hot date with Caelynn but it seems that she’s moved on to the newly arrived Dean. So Mike moves on to Sydney, telling her how much he values her character. When did he find that out? Was anybody else confused by all this apparent behind the scenes Relationship Wac-a-Mole?
Before we go any further, I need some music.
Goodbye to Love (The Carpenters) So long Bibi (sob), Jane (and her spicy tacos) and Annaliese (and her self-delusions).
The whole drama surrounding Bad Boy Blake and The Impossibly Cute and Incredibly Annoying Hannah G. needs its own mini-soundtrack.
We Will Rock You (Queen) Jordan shows up with his usual boom-boom-bah bombast.
Right Place, Wrong Time (Dr. John) Unfortunately, he goes after The Impossibly Cute and Incredibly Annoying Hannah G. who says she finds him attractive and wanted to meet him and sure let’s go on a date and have some fun but oh I can’t because my heart is torn between this guy who’s really into me but I’m not totally feelin’ it even though I know I should be and this other player who is toxic but I can’t seem to let go of.
Here Comes the Judge (Pigmeat Markham) The Impossibly Cute and Incredibly Annoying Hannah G. confides in Blake that she’s feeling judged by everybody.
Blake: “Nobody is judging you.”
And then there’s Cam aka ABC Cam aka Always Be Cryin’ Cam who also needs his own mini-soundtrack.
Cryin’ (Aerosmith) Duh.
Nowhere Man (The Beatles) His pathetic attempt to woo Caelynn with a 4th grade-level love letter that even the cutie sitting behind you that you passed the note to would have gladly gone to the principal’s office for laughing out loud while reading it.
It Could Have Been You (Journey) – Annaliese and Cam. What a missed opportunity. Shared delusions and tears. They’d be perfect for each other.
And there’s the saga of poor Wills. After getting nowhere with The Impossibly Cute and Incredibly Annoying Hannah G., he pours out his heart to Katie only to get friend-zoned for the 3,915 time. [Why Can’t We Be Friends (War) and Left Outside Alone (Anastacia)]
Which brings us to Tuesday night.
Who Do You Love? (Bo Diddley) Demi admits to being conflicted over whether she wants her boyfriend or her girlfriend. Derek knows something’s up: “She doesn’t want me to feel like nothing’s there. But she doesn’t want me to feel like something’s there.” For his part when Demi shares what’s up, he handles her confession very well. But it’s Paradise and I feel like there’s more to this story.
Your Secret Love (Luther Vandross) The Impossibly Cute and Incredibly Annoying Hannah G. comes clean to smitten kitten Dylan that before Paradise, Blake went to Bama to see her and that “he kissed her”. Given Blake’s usual M.O., I’m assuming “kissed her” is a euphemism for something else.
I’m Different (Randy Newman) Dean re-arrives to Paradise with a bad moustache, no home, no job and no running water for bathing. Beauty Queen Caelynn wrestles with the concept of days without shower gel.
(Just Like) Romeo and Juliet (The Reflections) John Paul Jones recites William Freaking Shakespeare to Tayshia! And she buys it!! Seriously??? And when did they become a thing?
[cue any songs by Pitbull because Nicole was feeling that Miami vibe] Some guy named Christian shows up. He was allegedly a Week 1 casualty on Becca’s season of The Bachelor. Seriously, how bad did you have to be to go home on the first week of that dreadful season? Anyway, he’s cocky and hot for Nicole who is she or is she not hot for ex-footballer Clay. A lot of typical Paradise-style love triangle drama ensues which brought us to the cliffhanger of the kerfuffle between Christian and Jordan who, in his role as the self-appointed Mayor of Paradise, couldn’t help but bring some justice to Clay.
I leave you with this. All Hail The Mayor and Queen of Paradise!
 Not to mention pics of her girlfriend surfacing on the interweb.
 A delicious two-minute piece of 1964 pop confection.
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