[cue Ozzy Osbourne Crazy Train] After devoting an episode to serious social matters, this week Paradise returned to what I love: mass levels of mayhem and ridiculiciousness – with a side of hot, buttered mess chased down by generous quantities of inanity. The side of hot, buttered mess was Tahzjuan who provided us with a double-portion of her outsized personality. Tahzjuan is, uh, a lot – a combustible combination of Ashley I.’s perpetual weepiness and Annaliese’s self-delusion [cue The Black Crowes Hard to Handle]. Thankfully, her time was brief although we’ll always have, “Can I get some guacamole?” to remember her by. It was fitting that she was served with the generous quantities of inanity by John Paul Jones. JPJ went from mindlessly playful to being double-minded to having lost his mind.
Let’s muse deeper into the current state of mayhem and ridiculiciousness in Paradise. [Cue Mad World Tears for Fears]
Triangles. Lots of triangles.
- Tahzjuan/JPJ/Haley – not one but two new arrivals who want JPJ! But he only has eyes for Tayshia.
- Kristina/Blake/Caitlyn – Satan’s Daughter Kristina weaseled a “friendship rose” from the feeble Blake who a hot minute earlier had promised that same rose to Caitlyn (who My Daughter Cassandra doesn’t understand why I think she’s cuter than Caelynn). That Stagecoach Rock and Roll, Hoochie Koo must have been something because she seems to own him despite being just “friends”.
- Jen/Chris/Katie – The ruefully apologetic Katie makes her comeback and wins out over someone else My Daughter Cassandra doesn’t understand my fascination with although neither of us liked the too-revealing top of her bathing suit.
- JPJ/Tayshia/Derek – Only in Paradise can someone so devastatingly heart-broken (Derek) make a new connection, like 24 hours later. In this case it’s with Tayshia who went cold on JPJ who’s still running hot for her despite his dalliances with Tahzjuan and Haley. Not that Tayshia needed any validation but you can’t seriously consider a guy who is capable of showing even casual interest in girls like the loony Tahzjuan or daffy Haley.
- Nicole/Clay/Angela – Only in Paradise can a wedding between two former Bachelor/Bachelorette villains and Paradise cast members last year (Goose and Krystal) become fodder for drama between current Paradisers (Clay and Nicole).
- Kristina/Connor/Caelynn – Only in Paradise can a wedding between two former Bachelor/Bachelorette villains and Paradise cast members last year (Goose and Krystal) become fodder for drama between current Paradisers (Kristina and Caelynn) and – in a totally on-brand move – a new arrival, no less (Connor). There is no Sympathy for the Devil [The Rolling Stones] however, as Connor uses his date card on the lovelorn Caelynn (see Confrontations, below).
JPJ vs. Derek – The once playful JPJ literally loses his mind over Derek’s interest in Tayshia while ignoring the fact that Tayshia was actually the pursuer. OK, that would make me even angrier, too. But I’m too cool to lose my mind the way JPJ has. In no time at all, he’s gone from loveable lunkhead to vicious and vacuous villain. [cue Talkin’ Loud and Sayin’ Nothing James Brown]
Angela vs. Clay – Again, only in Paradise can a wedding between two former Bachelor/Bachelorette villains and Paradise cast members last year (Goose and Krystal) become fodder for drama between current Paradisers. This one’s hard to read because Clay’s such a feeling guy (or hard for me cuz I’m not a very feeling Muser LOL). Is he still into Angela and can’t fully move on to Nicole? Or is he honoring his real feelings with Angela despite having moved on to Nicole? Or is it something in-between much to the fears of Nicole and her relationship advisor Tayshia?
Caelynn vs. Dean – Dean the Commitmentphobic plans an endearing birthday celebration for Caelynn. Later that night he breaks up with her because he’s Dean the Commitmentphobic.
Blake to Caitlyn after promising his rose to her and then getting Jedi mind-controlled again by Kristen: “Are you blind-sided?” Because Blake, ever the blind-sider.
Blake: “I’m the least dramatic person ever.” Because Blake, ever the dramatic person.
Clay: “I’m going to have to hydrate a lot. I’m going to be sweating a lot.” Something that never occurred to me to say about seeing an ex. Well, if I broke it off and was still into her, maybe. And if it was one of these two. 🙂
Because only in Paradise can a wedding between two former Bachelor/Bachelorette villains and Paradise cast members last year (Goose and Krystal) have to become fodder for drama between current Paradisers, only key current Paradisers were invited to the after-party so as to enhance the drama.
When you picture yourself in a TV wedding and the girl you want in that wedding isn’t feeling it.
Who is Matt Stell (singer at the wedding)?
The return of a mustache-less Dean! Clay’s ex, Angela comes to Paradise! A SHOCKING EXIT THAT NO ONE SAW COMING!! TEARS THAT WILL. BLOW. YOUR. MINDS!! (shots of Caelynn, JPJ 2x, Haley, Tayshia)
My Queen Demi imitating the wedding conversations between Kristina and Connor, and Caelynn and Connor, in Connor’s voice, was everything:
- “(Kristen) Your smile is really special and I’ll leave sticky notes around to make you feel really good about it.”
- “Hey, Caelynn. It’s me. Connor. I’ve been liking your pictures on Instagram. Huh-huh. Have you noticed? Do you wanna make out?)
Whew! This was lot of ridiculiciousness to summarize. I’m tired. And I need a little of this.
Until the next time . . .
 Or the magical version performed on American Idol by Adam Lambert.
 Rick Derringer
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