Resolution Time

With just three episodes remaining, it’s time for the producers to wind down the season by winding up the relationships. We – the faithful viewers – need to know who came for a summer fling and who came for a summer ring. Here’s how five of our couples fared tonight.

Livin’ On a Prayer (Bon Jovi)/Don’t Stop Believin’ (Journey). Caelynn and Dean.

• All the girls: “Can you believe he had the nerve to come back and expect her to leave with him?”
• Also all the girls: “OMG I want someone who loves me enough to come back for me to leave with them.”

You know that this show messes with my head because Mr. Logical doesn’t know how he feels about Caelynn riding off into the sunset with a narcissistic, manipulative commitment-phobe who needs years of therapy; and as a couple they’ll need intense couples therapy. I’m not sure if I don’t like Caelynn enough to care or if I now like her and want her happiness enough to believe in some Hallmark movie fantasy where it all magically works out in some ridiculous way in the end.

Solid (Ashford and Simpson). Chris and Katie. They go on a date and Katie has hard questions. Chris has the right answers. No drama here. For now.

[Interlude] Who’s That Girl (Madonna). Revian arrives. Who is she again?

Here’s why we got confused.

Brunette Revian is working for me. I can sympathize with Matt’s stammering like a nervous schoolboy trying to get her name right. Just sayin’.

You Are Everything The Stylistics. My Queen Demi and Kristian. They’re having a The Five Love Languages conflict. They go on a date and have a Crucial Conversation and Have a Nice Conflict. These books must be good because everything is Hunky Dory now (couldn’t resist the David Bowie reference).

Come Dance With Me (Sinatra). JPJ asks Tayshia to go to the Paradise Prom with him. Sadly, we had to be assaulted at one point with the sounds of Air Supply playing The One That You Love[1]. These two lovebirds seem fine for now, too.

Don’t Go Breakin’ My Heart (Elton John and Kiki Dee). Blake and Kristina. 

Blake: “I can see a future and I have allowed myself to think of Kristina as my wife.”

Bachelor Nation:

Kristina:

Clay: “I hope [Blake] finds his person. It’s just not here at Paradise.”

Me: Of course not. It’s here. 🙂

And that’s a wrap. We still have other relationships to sort out – Tuesday night? – most notably I-refuse-to-accept-it Dylan and The Impossibly Cute Hannah G.; and Clay and Nicole.

Hold On, I’m Comin’ (Sam and Dave). Work/travel may make me a little late with the Tuesday night summary.

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[1] Yes, I even know songs that I detest. Maybe them even more than the ones I love.