What a Fanasco

ESPN’s Michael Smith and Jemele Hill used to do a shtick called “Doin’ Too Much” which featured sports fans, uh, doing too much – and looking silly as a result. That’s the way I felt about Monday’s episode – that the producers were trying to do too much. It felt like there were hours of tape they really didn’t know how to build a coherent theme with so they just decided to throw a whole bunch of disjointed stuff at us. Doin’ too much.

Since they couldn’t figure it out, I’m not gonna try, either. I’ll just cite random observations that seemed to matter to me at the time.

We had a continuation of Champagne-gate which, other than the fact that Hannah A. called the whole thing a “fanasco”,  is interesting to actually zero people at this point. Krazy Kelsey even said that she doesn’t like Champagne which makes her completely undateable.

Victoria P. and Peter had a one-on-one date and hold up – when did she get a date card????? She asked Peter if he liked red or white wine and got really excited when Peter “correctly” answered red. This is so wrong, I feel violated. Clearly the only correct answer to the question, “Do you like red or white wine?”, is, “I like wine.” Any other answer demonstrates an appalling failure of both taste and character. Victoria P. looked terrific on the date but both her and Peter failed this test badly. They did have great chemistry, though.

[Cue Tina Turner’s version of Elton John’s The Bitch Is Back] My Queen Demi. Can, like, the other Queen appoint her to something official in lieu of Meghan? In the meantime, the Bachelor producers can bring her back any time they want.

If you had “excited” for your drinking game, you were toasted by 8:45. Throw in the ever-present “journey” and you woke up with a serious hangover.

Sydney vs. Alayah. All the girls vs. Alayah. D@%n why did Peter put Sydney on blast in front of the other girls to call out Alayah??? Totally not cool, dude.

[cue Vanity 6 Nasty Girl] Apparently, Alayah is this season’s villainess in the style of Luke P. aka the Lukeness Monster. As Our Beloved Hannah B. did with Lukeness, Peter seems to be doing the same with Alayah, i.e. the fake girl that he can’t pull himself away from. And it seems to be a storyline that the producers can’t get enough of either, so we can expect them to milk this. Already the previews indicate Alayah’s return after Peter regretting not giving her a rose. And should she return, I think we can expect her to stay around longer than whistleblower Sydney and a number of more worthy girls just as Hannah B. kept The Lukeness Monster around way too long.

Peter, of course, is part of the problem. Who knew that he in his role as The Bachelor would turn out to be THE SEASON’S BIGGEST DRAMA QUEEN??? His biggest problem is that he sincerely believes that he is sincerely attracted to every girl. I believe that he really believes it. And as a result, all the girls believe it, too. They already come into the show wanting to believe it and his sincere self-delusion is going to make this season especially messy – really badly broken hearts each week including Peter’s.

Speaking of broken hearts, a number of women went home that I don’t ever recall ever being on the show. I think the producers sneak some women in LOL. Sadly, my girl Alexa with the great hair was sent home. 😦

While I’m not near ready to give up on baller Madi, I could use some more Lexi in my life. Just sayin’.

See you next week, once again later in the week.

P.S. Speaking of Doin’ Too Much . . . there’s Mykenna. Peter – please end this soon. It’s the merciful thing for all of us.

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