The word “journey” first appeared exactly 3 minutes and 56 seconds after “Tonight on The Bachelor” so if you were playing along at home, you were allowed to take your first sip of your Bachelor beverage (Argentine Cabernet, here) earlier than usual tonight.
Tonight was all about which girls Pushover Peter would take home to meet his deranged mom (and sure to be crying dad). There was lots of stressing amongst the girls about getting a 1-on-1 to get that “time” (take another sip!). And there was also angst about sharing possible deal-breakers with Peter [cue Madonna Secret] with so much on the line.
Madison got the first such date. Peter tells her, “I know how quickly and strongly I can fall for someone.” Actually, dude, you think you know but you seriously have no freaking idea.
Kelsey decides she needs to tell the other girls about Madison’s strong Christian faith and hopes that it will be suggests that might be a stumbling block for Peter. Indeed, her and her Dad’s faith was Madison’s secret and she finally told him how crucial sharing that faith with her future husband would be. Pushover Peter gave some weak-ass agreement that he’ll be all about that life everlasting and if the producers were as snarky as me they would have cued up The Doobie Brothers Jesus Is Just All Right. Fortunately, there’s someone on the interweb who’s as snarky as me.
Oh, and Pushover Peter dropped the L-word on Madison!!!! Is he allowed to do that? And by “allowed” I mean saying the L-word on a date that didn’t involve fireworks?
Natasha got the next 1-on-1 and I got such a friend-zone vibe from him early on that I realized I’d lost interest in their date and started scrolling through my Twitter feed. At dinner they talked in circles around the nature of their relationship [cue The Friends of Distinction You’ve Got Me Going In Circles] before The Pushover finally got up the nerve to say he couldn’t give her a rose. She actually seemed relieved. I’m trying to figure out how she lasted this long. I feel like the producers needed six girls for this episode and they needed a black girl and she drew the short straw and had to stay with the five other girls he’s interested in.
Krazy Kelsey got the last 1-on-1. Why does she always seem to have a glass of wine in her hand? Her secret is that she’s been working on rebuilding her relationship with her estranged father and her mom doesn’t know about that. Presumably she’s told her mom before the show aired tonight, otherwise her mom knows now LOL.
Pushover Peter, of course, finds her strength “amazing” and is so “inspired” by her story that he naturally gives her a rose and can’t wait to meet mom in Iowa. Krazy Kelsey is so smitten that this breakup – it’s coming amirite? – is gonna be BRUTAL. I’m already seeing her weeping on the couch with Peter and Chris Harrison at The Women Tell All wondering what more she could have done. [cue Elton John Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word (“What do I do to make you love me?”)
With two roses down (Madison and Kelsey), this leaves Hannah Ann, Kelly and Victoria F. to vie for the last two hometown dates [cue Europe The Final Countdown]. Kelly is so not here for these young bishes and it was clear that the producers’ editing was setting her up to be Humpty-Dumpty. I wish I could have been with her when she watched the episode and saw the third grade-level love note Hannah Ann wrote for Peter that included such rhapsodic expressions as:
Speaking of said note, naturally Pushover Peter loved that and, of course, he gave Hannah Ann a rose and hometown date.
Though we saw the setup with Kelly happening, it was a good move by the producers to have Peter first pull Victoria F. toward the car with rose in hand to create a will-he-or-won’t-he give her the rose moment while Kelly and Hannah Ann waited to see if just one or both of them were getting hometowns. With Victoria’s red flags and alarms blaring, Peter gives her the rose. [cue Heart Crazy On You]
- Again, when did Victoria F. “open up?”
- Was it me or did none of the dinner dates actually involve a dinner?
Next week. O, lordy, next week’s previews look so juicy. I am pleading that we are not to be fooled and that there are some serious meltdowns. Drama. Chaos. I’m here for it.
P.S. I know a guy who is pretty excited about Madison saying she has to tell Peter she’s saving herself for marriage.
 Luther Vandross has a nice version, too.