Too Much Macho

[cue Billie Eilish Bad Guy] Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the most villainous of all? First, there was pot-stirring-without-actual-evidence Carl. Then there was Mr. Manipulative Thomas. Both were just annoying pretenders. But now time-stealing Hunter has emerged to be the actual villain, the bad boy that Katie likes – at least for now – that will fuel much macho man drama.

However, we began much earlier than usual – literally five seconds after “. . . and it all starts, right now” – with our promotional considerations being taken care of.

And 30 seconds later we heard the first “right reasons” of the evening. “Journey?” Too many of those to count. We were going to the French Red (see below) early and often.

Uh, what was that whole bro cuddly thing that happened?

We all knew the arrival of Blake wasn’t going to be received well and Kaitlyn assured Katie that “all of them are going to be upset.” With Kaitlyn’s prediction in hand, we should have predicted that the Evil Genius Producers (EGPs) would order up an immediate 1-on-1 for Blake.

That date got very steamy but I’m feeling like it was a caught up in the moment thing rather than anything serious. We all agree that the EGPs put Blake up to the question about Katie’s sex-positivity, right? Maybe, maybe not but at least we were warned. Either way, dude was awkward about it in a way that didn’t seem like the question was really his.

And then my worlds collided. Katie and Blake were serenaded after dinner by American Idol Season 17 winner Laine Hardy in another one of the Bachelor franchise moments of, “Look! [some artist nobody knows about including us] is singing for us!” In Laine’s case, he should have lost to a vastly superior Alejandro[1] who likely wouldn’t have wanted to do the show so we would have ended up with Laine and his lame new single they were pimping, anyway.

When My Girl Pat Benatar wrote Love Is a Battlefield, I bet she never conceived that phrase being used 37 years later on a Group Date card in The Bachelorette. This group date involved something stupid called Bash Ball; with the guys wearing stupid Borat-inspired outfits, and; Hunter acting stupid enough to injure Michael. When will they end these stupid man-on-man violence dates?

The Group Date party was immediately notable for Katie’s Britney Oops!… I Did It Again-inspired dress #FreeBritney.

And also:

• Greg revealing himself to be the “getting-too-much-in-his-head” guy. This will bear watching as the season progresses[2].

• Quartney[3] wrapping himself in toilet paper; he deserved to be sent home for this.

• Villanous Hunter gets the Group Date Rose. This absolutely had to be scripted by the EGPs for maximum drama.

The date with Andrew was interesting. Katie shows up looking like the gorgeous Emma Peel from the Avengers for a date in the woods which had My Daughter Cassandra (MDC) texting me about Get Out vibes. I was so sure he was going to get friend-zoned on this date – the whole thing seemed more silly than romantic – but Katie seems really into him which I did not see coming. Again, nicely done EGPs.

[cue Chairmen of the Board Give Me Just a Little More Time (“and our love will surely grow”)]. The theme of the cocktail party was the guys getting their bowels in an uproar over Hunter taking time with Katie from guys who got no time with Katie despite his already having a rose. His uber-competitive, borderline psychotic nature aside – he’s got pictures of him being a good dad, though! – that whole drama was probably set up by the EGPs to rile up guys like Aaron, Justin, and Tre or as My Daughter Diandra (MDD) said, “There’s so many hotheads left, they may as well put them to use.”

I still feel like the season is moving too slowly but if the previews were any indication, things are about to take off. I’m sticking to my narrative that Katie had her heart set on a few guys early so that the EGPs needed to create lots of faux-drama until the real drama arrives. After all, she can only end up with one or none and several of the following guys are in eventual gots-to-go situations.

See you next week . . .

P.S. This weeks viewing wine is a Les Abeilles Cotes Du Rhone procured at Costco on sale for . . . wait for it . . . $6.99!

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[1] Who goes by the name of scarypoolparty.

[2] The previews seemed to be alluding to more of his drama is coming our way.

[3] MDC calls him “four cups”. Four cups to a “Quart-ney”. Get it? I don’t think she likes him.