Enter the Grim Reaper of Paradise

This blog entry comes to you from New Mexico – sadly not the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort and Spa, the site of Katie’s The Bachelorette season – but rather the Hilton Garden Inn Albuquerque Uptown, 23 miles away. One of these things is not like the other.

Tuesday’s episode could be summarized by the Blood, Sweat & Tears classic Spinning Wheel: “What goes up, must come down, spinnin’ wheel, got to go round.”

Or as the Demi-God said, “You think things are, like, so solid, and then they’re not.

The Grim Reaper of Paradise came throwing every relationship into an existential crisis.

Before we review, I have a question: is it just me, or are the relationship changes going so fast now that it is impossible to know who was last with who? Forget who a Paradiser was vibing with the previous week. I can’t remember on Tuesday who they were vibing with on Monday! My Daughter Diandra (MDD) threw in the towel: “I’m not gonna lose my brain over Bachelor in Paradise.

Paradise Math Problem #1. ((Thomas + Tammy) – Aaron) = Treachery. Somehow the Thomas and Tammy connection is fitting for these two villains. These two deserve each other, at least for a while.

Paradise Math Problem #2. ((Chasen + Deenandra) – Karl)^Braceletgate = does anybody even care?

Paradise Math Problem #3. Tre – Tahz = 0. Tre, who was vibing with somebody I no longer recall, decides there is nobody in Paradise for him, so he leaves. Tahz, who was vibing with somebody I no longer recall, decides there is nobody in Paradise for her, so she leaves.

Bachelorette Beca arrives, and while the girls are less than thrilled, it’s like moths to a flame for the unpaired-up guys. With her rose on the line and little time to get it, Ivan, Box Dude (James), Karl, and Aaron (with fresh tire tracks from being thrown under Tammy’s bus) all make their desperate plays. For now, Bachelorette Beca is vibing with Aaron, and he wins her rose. However, Ivan gets a reprieve when Deendra, weary of Braceletgate drama, gives him her rose. Whatever we think of Deendra (she has great hair), it’s a good move because Ivan is a good guy and who knows what kind of machinations may get him into a new Paradise vibe?

The Grim Reaper was far from finished (see Math Problems 1-3, above). Tia shows up with her drawl and makes her move on Kenny, much to Demi’s horror and Mari’s glee (cue James Brown The Big Payback[1]). Unfortunately for us viewers, much of that move involved an inane nude volleyball game – did we even see anybody hit a ball? Someone in MDD’s group watch group chatted, “Why is this show punishing me?” Preach. Per @Bachelordata Instagram, that wasted 9 minutes, 22 seconds of my life.

AND THEN THE GRIM REAPER CAME FOR EVERYBODY’S GIRLFRIEND ABIGAIL!!!!!

Is nothing sacred???? Who doesn’t love Abi? Who didn’t love the Redemption of Noah? Ugh. They are caught up in the drama of I-went-slow-cuz-you-went-slow-but-I-was-going-slow-cuz-you-were-going-slow. Ugh.

And it’s about to get way worse, people. Kendall is coming, and she ain’t coming for a rebound relationship, she’s comin’ in hot looking like a Greek goddess for her ex, “butthead” Grocery Store Joe! ”Oh, yes, girlfriend was clearly marking her territory with the pet name! Joe, who earlier told his vibe girl Serena that he and Kendall were all over, doesn’t exactly have an it’s all over look on his face, does he?

And that whole Brandon, “Me and Pieper just hung out, that’s all” story is about to get tested cuz she’s comin in hot, too, and Brandon doesn’t exactly have that we just hung out look on his face, does he?

Oh, and Mari still wants Kenny back, while Demi wants Kenny back, and maybe Tia wants Kenny, although she may want to give him back to Demi after she found out about their Boom Boom Room situation.

Cue Royal Blood Trouble’s Comin’. The Evil Genius Producers say turn the volume to 11.

See you next week.

This blog was written under the influence of a glass of Murphy-Goode Pinot Noir in the not the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort and Spa hotel lounge. It’s nice. Way better than the lounge’s frustratingly slow internet.

I can’t wait for the drama next week.

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[1] “Payback! Revenge! I’m mad! Need some getback!”