Karma’s a Beach

[cue Justin Timberlake What Goes Around Comes Around]

First, some karmic cleanup from last night. Per the good Instagram women @Bachelordata, Brendan and Pieper’s IG strategy is off to a rough start. Brendan lost over 10% of his followers overnight, and Pieper lost approx. 5%. The big IG winner? Natasha, the woman scorned, whose IG following doubled!

If you combine a bunch of volatile elements in the right conditions (too much heat, too much alcohol, too little sleep), there will be combustion. The Evil Genius Producers had to be proud of their work tonight.

As always, there was misdirection. Kenny went and made me make up a new word for his Paradise situation – quartonomy. Dude’s got relationships with Mari, Demi, and Tia. Of the three, Demi is clearly the most volatile element. But this drama resolved itself with a whimper rather than a bang[1], as it appears that he and Mari are [cue L.T.D.] Back In Love Again. Combustion needs a spark, which was provided by Titus Burgess – whose oeuvre I was unfamiliar with, but My Daughter Diandra (MDD) quickly filled me in – who throws a party with unusually weak music[2] but with new Bachelorettes ready to pah-tay! This set off a couple of karmic reactions.

Karma: I know it feels like eons ago[3], but recall that Jessenia threw Ivan under the bus for the newly arrived “Smoke Bro” Chris, who then threw her under the bus for the newly arrived Alana. Yeah, Alana, you know the  . . . wait, who is she, again? I did a search on “Alana” in some Muser’s blog to see what he wrote about her and found not one single reference. (And speaking of who is she, who is the party singer Olivia Holt? Can we get the medium-grade country singers back?)

And as long as we’re on the subject of karma, I know it feels like eons ago[4], but recall that Tammy threw Aaron under the bus for Everybody’s Doubting Thomas, who gladly accepted a date with ex-Bachelorette Becca after Tammy made it OK for Becca to ask him, and then emotionally fell apart when Becca asked.

Speaking of Becca, she said something about being scared to put herself out there again. Girl, let’s review those past choices: engaged to a racist; engaged to a guy who was in love with somebody else; and now you want to explore things with skeezy Everybody’s Doubting Thomas. Really? We’re scared for you.

Somewhere in there, Chelsea arrives at the beach and takes Aaron on a date since Tammy had made him available. You follow?

That said, the Chris plus Alana minus Jessenia trichotomy dominated the evening. The union quickly organized itself for a strike on the Chris-Alana relationship. The leaders of the uprising felt like a mashup of two of my favorite characters from another TV franchise. Grocery Store Joe played the role of Robert Goren from Law & Order: Criminal Intent, catching Chris in his duplicity; actual attorney Riley played the role of Law & Orders relentless DA, Jack McCoy, going hard after a conviction.

In the meantime, we are asking ourselves two questions.

Is this how old my friend KMD and I are going to be by the next Rose Ceremony?

When is the union going to strike Brendan and Pieper? Oh, that’s coming, it appears from the previews.

Back to Chris and Alana. I don’t get it. He came to Paradise, hoping she’d be there. She came to Paradise and made a beeline for him. They immediately rekindle whatever there was between them pre-Paradise. And then when Chris decides he wants to leave Paradise because he has been read for filth, she doesn’t want to leave and figure out things with him outside of Paradise? Does she know she’s going to turn into a pumpkin or something? Did she just want a paid vacation? I don’t get it.

Anyway, Chris and Alana were just the opening act. Brendan and Pieper are the headliners, and their time in the spotlight is coming. As Lil Jon might say, [cue Usher] “Yeah!”

Second verse, same as the first (yes, that’s Herman’s Hermits I’m Henry the 8th): same vino as last night.

See you next week.

[1] OK, not the best metaphor given he and Demi’s Boom Boom Room circumstance.

[2] Somebody in MDD’s watch group called it EDM circus music LOL.

[3] In Paradise where things move at the speed of chaos, that’s about 2-3 episodes.

[4] In Paradise where things move at the speed of chaos, that’s about 2-3 episodes.

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